Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Worst bar ever.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR