Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
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“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
me irl
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve