He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”