For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You sure about that?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.