I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.