Why I divorced her.
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?