Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Encore…
This squirrel eats better than I do
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games