“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Does this dress make me look cat?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m being attacked 😭
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Monday