Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”