MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.