How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Sharon I have some bad news
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector