i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close