Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
sry
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.