VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Britain be like
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.