I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
barbara was highly relatable
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.