My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
This is a sub tweet
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets