by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife