“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…