Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”