If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
🤣✨#caturday
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.