Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
What if the weather talks about us?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Friends that check up on you >
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.