Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.