People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
If my name was Pooh I wouldn鈥檛 wear pants either
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
#dnd #ttrpg
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I haven鈥檛 prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don鈥檛.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
You say you鈥檙e a stoner?
Name every stone then
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*