what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.