Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores