13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You Might Also Like
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
@ candidates for local office
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Sign at work today
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever