You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You Might Also Like
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.