[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.