When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
You Might Also Like
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
canadian assassins are called killergrams
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer