*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.