[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
the only bumper sticker ill allow
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?