Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.