This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.