The three genders
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage