Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
🤣✨#caturday
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.