When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs