Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I get distracted pretty eas
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder