OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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I know
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
what are they serving at kfc then???
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.