fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
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How did we not see this back then?
We found love in a hopeless place.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult