There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.