Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?