Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Was it something I said?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.