[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“Sheer Arrogance”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.