Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Looking at you, Jesus.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
a lot to unpack here
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months