You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*