I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine