This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Super Hand Dog Face
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Why is this me 😫
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
New comic up. “Ransom”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing