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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
He took my last fry, your honor
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
they really do be looking like this
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese