Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
real
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO