It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.